(A thought-provoking piece by Hilary Sohn)

“What is it about yourself that you are tired of?”

Sitting in yoga class this morning, I was reminded of my new year’s resolutions. 

I had all good intentions and had nobly vowed to make an effort to get back into painting, to finally sell my essential oil blends, to learn how to play the cello, to be authentically myself, to learn how to be comfortable with all emotions even the more shadowy ones. 

Yet, one last minute addition that made it to the list was proving to be a very difficult one to keep from the start: To stop worrying . . .  about everything.

“What is it about yourself that you are tired of and willing to let go of in this moment?  Can you let this go and just breathe right now?” my yoga teacher asked quietly. 

“Damn!” I thought guiltily, “She knows!” 

Just that morning I was running back into my old companion Worry.  Sitting in the silence of the yoga studio, my monkey mind went chattering off about the bills and quarterly taxes to be paid, thank you notes to be written, car repairs to be performed, Christmas cookie weight to be lost, laundry to be done, calls to be returned, people to please, resolutions to be kept. 

On and on, ad nauseum.  I had already started to drift back into the same old pattern, and only six days into the new year.  This, after learning my lesson in a big way at the end of 2009.

In September that year my brother called me one night asking, “Guess where I’m headed right now?”

To see the Eiffel Tower?  To tour Peru by llama?  To learn how to skydive?  I didn’t know . . . Nothing prepared me for his answer.

“Vegas!” he proclaimed gleefully, “Andrea and I are getting married!”

Happy as I was for him and his wife-to-be, as I listened to him chatting about their plans in one ear, Worry whispered in my other ear, “Are you kidding?  That’s the second wedding your parents are missing.  They didn’t take your own elopement well; how do you think they’re going to react to this news?  You know you are going to be the one to deal with the inevitable messy aftermath when all is said and done, don’t you?  They’ll be so hurt.  What if they never speak to him again?  What if it brings up the disappointment of missing your wedding again?  What if they blame you for not telling them immediately?  What if you tell the news and your brother gets angry at you? What if, what if, what if . . . ? 

I worked myself into an anxiety-ridden frenzy that night. 

And as the days after stretched into weeks and months and my brother still hadn’t told our parents, Worry became my constant companion and placed an itchy noose around my neck that tightened with each day that passed. 

I dreaded talking with my parents for fear they’d bring up my brother.  Each time I thought about the inevitable moment of elopement revelation, the scenario became worse and worse in my head.

Over and over for months, I lived through every dark emotion I anticipated happening.  It was exhausting.  I am convinced that this was the true cause of my contracting the flu and bronchitis that autumn.  The noose had gotten so tight that my airway was literally constricted.

Worry was my bad companion in a terrible relationship I knew I had to end, but couldn’t.  It was comfortable in some twisted way, and was the only way of being I thought I really knew how to do well. 

So, I stayed.

Just prior to Christmas (Worry’s favorite holiday), I called my parents to see how they were. 

“We just received some wonderful news!” they gushed. “Your brother got married!  We’re just thrilled!”

For a split second my brain went quiet, uncomprehending. 

They were . . .  thrilled?!  Umm . . . what . . . ? Relief sank in for a moment.  And then.  Anger.  I was actually angry that they were happy with the news.  Not with them; with myself.  Worry had duped me into believing a story that was complete fiction.  I felt emotions that never came to pass for anyone else. I had wasted precious time living in a future that never happened and missed out on my life in the present.  I was the ultimate chump.  While everyone else was thrilled, I was wallowing in anger and self-pity.  I had been betrayed by Worry. 

It was time for a breakup.

“What are you tired of and willing to let go of in this moment?”

Yes, I knew I needed to let go of Worry.  And take back my life.  This was my resolution.

Musically, resolution means moving from a state of dissonance into consonance. 

I wanted that – to move from the jarring tones of worry to the resonance of living in the moment.

I was tired of worrying all the time, but letting go was harder than I thought.  Worry was a seductive companion, fooling me into thinking that my mind’s preoccupation with imagining all possible scenarios could affect the outcome of a situation.   Worry made me believe I was in control.   But worrying was not reality.  Worrying was like trying to wrestle a ghost – futile and exhausting.  I had to realize that even if the horrible scenarios I dreamed up in my worried mind came to pass, the time I spent dwelling on them could not change what ultimately happened.  The situation was the situation whether I had worried beforehand or not.  Spending time worrying, wasted precious moments of living.  In fact, it released me from having to live my life at all in the present moment, which scared me a little.  It meant I would have to let go of the illusion that I could pre-plan my life – which, when I really think about it, hardly ever worked out the way I imagined.  The surprises life threw at me were always way more fun and interesting, anyway.

It takes awareness of our thoughts, focus on the present moment, and gentleness with ourselves when Worry comes calling and seduces us momentarily. 

It helps, as my yoga teacher says, to take a breath and just observe without judgment.  It is the meditative equivalent of sticking our fingers in our ears and saying, “La, la, la, la . . . I can’t hear you,” when Worry whispers around our heads. To let go of worrying means to let go of trying to control everything around us and allow life to simply happen. It means moving from discordance into the harmony of our lives.

What is it that you’re tired of and willing to let go of this year?

Take a moment and just breathe.